A CLUTTERED MIND

Thoughts about music, TV, love, politics, food.
The limit does not exist.

11/1/18   ||    CO-STAR DAILY UPDATE

Sun in Scorpio
Moon in Gemini
Rising in Capricorn
Frustrations & Challenges
"People avoid the truth because they are afraid it will destroy their illusions. Right now, you're avoiding your own truth out of fear you will break the illusion other people have of you. This is friendly in theory, but in actuality, you're creating future problems for yourself.

You feel like you're crossing the line into madness. This is not your breaking point, but a return to the source of your pain, which is also the source of your power.

Your manipulative tendencies will burden you more than usual. Make use of your more relativist leanings. Just because it is easier to tell a story of how people wound one another doesn't mean you should."



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10/30/18   ||    Tumblr Hot

I wish I was one of those effortlessly hot people.
You know, Tumblr hot.
Because this? This takes work.
And it’s still under construction.
There are fucked up things inside me, 
both biologically and psychologically,
that I have to deal with on a day-to-day basis.
They’re not life threatening, no,
but they dictate the speed of my drum.
The older I get, the more I learn, 
the clearer things have become.
But I unfortunately

still care. 
I cry for the validation from other's about my presentation to the world.

I'm searching for something.
Something's missing.
Perhaps we are too complex to ever know
ourselves.

But I'm sure every 24 year old can relate.
*tongue pops*

Any who.
What were we talking about?
I have to get back
to the bong now.


.Andy

10/24/18   ||    REFLECTING ON 24

Sometimes I wonder what is the meaning of this life
I found the price of love and lost my mind
I will forgive them all of my wrongs and my rights
I'd do it all again and won't think twice
Won't think twice
Ooh ooh ooh, ooh
Are you devil? Are you angel?
Am I heaven? Am I hell?
I can barely find the proof to save myself
Are you water? Are you fire?
Are you filthy? Are you pure?
Oh, I thought by now I'd know
But I'm not sure
Well, you're no angel
I never asked you to be
You're my danger 'cause that's just what I need
But it still hurts me
Well, sometimes I wonder what is the meaning of my life
Oh I found the price of love and lost my mind
Hum, I will forgive them all of my wrongs and my rights
I'd do it all again and won't think twice
Won't think twice
Ooh ooh ooh, ooh (ooh)
My forever and my end
My forgiveness and my sin
I have sacrificed the most of my youth
Is it treason? Is it true?
That the worst I won't undo
Only enemy I have in love is you
Well, you're no angel
I never asked you to be
You're my danger 'cause that's just what I need
But it still hurts me
Well, sometimes I wonder what is the meaning of my life
I found the price of love and lost my mind
Oh, I will forgive them all of my wrongs and my rights
I'd do it all again and won't think twice, no
Whoah, think twice
Uh uh oh oh oh oh uh uh, oh oh oh, oh oh oh oh oh
Were you devil? Were you angel?
It's too late to change my mind
I would do it all again and not think twice

10/22/18   ||    IN THE PRESENCE OF MY IDOL

10/19/18   ||    FAITH IN THE UNKØWN​​

I’d like to start by emphasizing: I am STILL learning. Throughout the day I have to shoo those anxious and paranoid thoughts away about my future. I think most people in their mid-20s could relate to that on a spiritual level. (That was a prime example of “Millennial” speak. smh.) But what I’m trying to say is that I Iet anxiety derived from these uncertainties seep in and that is my battle. That is what resulted from lack of ambition and discipline. 

I’ve been home for almost three months now and wow I feel like a new person. Not just rejuvenated, new. That’s not to say I’m 100% healthy but I’m definitely on my way. And I never would’ve achieved this had I stayed in New York. I think about it everyday; the city, the people, my people. And the hype around delivered food. It was everything I’ve honestly ever wanted in a place to call home. But alas, I don’t think I was ready for the city and that’s a realization I’m only coming to now. Like any great relationship, we needed a break. I started losing my way shortly after graduation, and to be honest, I think it was also correlated to the election, and all that’s followed. I’ve never felt such nauseating rage and emotions about our government, our “elected” officials. And the patriarchal mentalities, the sexism, the homophobia and transphobia, the racism, the down right pure evil and ignorance.  I wish everyone was as fired up about it - and I hope the far-right realizes the repercussions of their hate because in the end they can’t win. There’s too many of the good people on the right side to let it happen. North Korea is a little different and Ryan Murphy has ME F*CK*NG SH*TT*NG myself after Apocalypse.

But like I said, fast forward three months - I just saw Maggie Rogers and will be seeing XTINA (my queen) next week, two days before my birthday. Can you believe! And then this morning, my mother and I booked a solo, two week trip to Europe in December. ALONE. I’m scared, I’m excited, I’m nervous, I’m titillated. The food! The wine! The art! The history! The men! I’m honestly still processing it. But I’m looking forward to it so much. 

Back in June when I made the decision to move back to CA, not in a billion years could I have predicted any of what’s happened to me since moving back. I put faith in the universe and the rest was out of my control. And in a way that was/remains comforting to me. As long as your passions and priorities and heart are in order, you got this.

10/12/18   ||   WHAT THEY SAID

We keep narrowing the definition of what a play can be. We're losing the opportunity for someone like Samuel Beckett to spring up, because we no longer want our plays messy. But my God, sometimes we need mess. These are messy times and plays can reflect that. Angels In America is a mess -- and I mean that as a compliment. Hamlet is a mess. If someone wrote Hamlet today, first thing you'd hear a director say is, 'that advice to the players bit doesn't advance the story.' Why do we only allow our classics to be messes?


​​Paula Vogel, 1997
Pa

10/11/18   ||   I WANT TO TALK ABOUT TOKiMONSTA​​

There is an INCREDIBLE docu-series on Netflix called "Explained" - each episode stands alone, delving deep into the mechanics and humanity of certain underrated, and at times controversial, topics. This wasn't meant to start as a plug for the show but one of their recent episodes explored music.

I say all that to say this: I love music, I'm a lover of artistry, I believe in the power of music, regardless of genre. There are few artists, and I think we all have our own, that create music seemingly designed for us. I like to think we share some sort of DNA (anyone who knows me will scream CHRISTINA AGUILERA right away). But I felt this same fire, this same vulnerability, in TOKiMONSTA. She was featured in the Explained episode as someone who endured a medical journey away from and ultimately back to music. I realized I was sooo late to the game, but that's nothing new for this gay. It's actually something I've started to seek - what else have I missed? The contemporary musical landscape allows musicians and artists to flourish more independelly, allowing an increase in production. There has to be overwhelmgly amounts of undiscovered music - and I want to find it. TOKiMONSTA is someone I can't wait to watch flourish. And her records surpass genre for me and elicit straight up emotions. Emotions are great and I wish our culture celebrated being in tune with them. Maybe someday. I'll just be jamming out to this until then.